Well if you can tell by my latest writings or lack of writings. I hadn’t been giving 100%.
Truth is, I had been severely depressed for the past 6 months, fighting my negative thoughts in my mind almost every second of the day. “I am a beautiful young actress, a young strong independent woman.” This is something I have had to been telling myself. YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT! SMILE! I BELIEVE I BELIEVE!! YOU CAN DO IT! YOU can Smile YOU can Dream! You deserve to be happy!
(As I do this by the way, the cafe I am in I am surrounded by Alec Baldwin and Christopher Lloyd.) What?
Just because I say I was depressed doesn’t mean I haven’t had some amazing breath taking realizations and moments in my new life in Santa Barbra. Moments that still push me forward in the direction of my destiny.
Most of my anxiety coming from leaving LA and feeling like I was leaving my dreams, my dreams and my professional goals. To be a successful film actress!!! WOOOOOO!
After realizing that I haven’t given up or left my dreams I simply have chosen a new path. And you know what? DREAMS COME TRUE!
Finally I am inspired again! Finally I feel the love surround me and I am free! I am free to dream and be me! To wish for the things I know I deserve!
I wanted to write you share some of the wonderful experiences I have been having. The ones that have inspired me to keep going as an actress! To get dreaming! To keep believing and hanging on! YOU CAN DO THIS AMANDA!!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!! Don’t even let anyone tell you that you can’t! Because with time and hard work and passion…. you can! You can do anything your little heart desires! You can DREAM you can BELIEVE and you can ACHIEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I recently just applied for one of my dream jobs working at Sundance Film Festival this January in Park City Utah. I applied to work in the call center and have volunteered to work some of the events during the festival. Please pray for me that I get it! It would help support me while I was in Utah so I can spend more time with my family! ~
Truth is out. I am free!
So for the past couple months I have been in a lot of different places. Mentally, Emotionally, and physically.
After deciding to move away from LA. I put myself in a massive whirlwind of transition. Opening new doors for opportunity but also walking away from some I worked very hard to open. I was left with a lot of confusion.
Why did I move away from my dreams? What was changing? Why did I walk away from so many opportunities that I had created for myself? Right before I left LA I was in a good place… I was finally meeting with large Agencies and working in commercial casting. These are things I had always dreamed of. But when I received them, it was like I no longer cared. What is my true desire…. What was next?
Sometimes I feel like the only thing left would to be keep moving forward and be very successful. To let my hard work fly and accept the gifts of the universe that I had been asking for. And don’t get me wrong… I want to be successful. I want to live a good healthy life and be able to help support my family and give my husband and children everything they need. But success can seem scary. Especially, when you want to be a “Movie Star” and be a part of large influencial films. If you really ask and work for that there can be a lot more that comes with it…and truth is I don’t even know if I am that good of an actor. ;) It has just been something I have always been told I would be good at and know I like to do it and I love the feeling that takes over when I am on stage or performing and nothing else matters.
Although I have worked in production and know I would be really good at it. I want to continue my work in performing and dream of being in a musical. haha. Sometimes I wish or I think I would rather be in a successful band and tour the world with my friends… If I could do that for a year… Even if it really isn’t the most glamorous life style, I would give everything up to travel and perform. I’ve been told I have a unique voice and I just really love to Rock and Roll.
So as of now I am sitting in a coffee shop in beautiful Santa Barbra, Dreaming of a way I can work in the industry, stay here and live in a beautiful place. Continue acting, creating and playing music. And let things fall in place… What else is there to do?
I dream of straight As
I dream of being and touring in a band
I dream of a handsome man with sweet hands and an open heart
I dream of being in Movies
I dream of having lots of friends
I love my family.
I love my life.
I love you.
I love me.
To be the best, you must do everything you can.
Honestly acting has always been the goal. Ever since I was a child.
But thinking of this now, when I am almost 25… it makes me weak. Things have changed and there has definitely been a time where I have felt like giving up. Not because I doubt myself or my desire for successes, and happiness. But because at times I have doubted my passion for acting and didn’t know exactly what I was looking for.
I have really only seen one side of acting. The side from a perspective of a young girl who moved to LA and got a job on Hollywood Blvd the first day she lived there to dream and hope that she would be discovered. Then to working as an extra and stand in on multiple sets. Than switching to production and even working as Production Manager and auditioning for lead feature film roles. I’ve done the duty and feel like I have been paying dues. YOU’VE READ my stories! You know I’ve been on some crazy sets and have had a lot of fun.
Putting 3 years into acting is a lot. And I know there are many, many, many more to go. As I progressed up into higher positions and bigger production. I realized that I had surrounded myself with professionals. A lot of different professionals, kinds of all sorts. Money, Privileged, Artist, Experienced, Talented, Dreamers, Believers. I’ve seen them all. All with different experience, I realized that a lot of the people who were going for the same dream as me were actors. Actors since birth. Just like me. With different experiences. Some had been in movies and commercials or plays since they were five, some had parents or uncles in the business and some were just lucky. After I had booked my first job in a feature film, I had accomplished my goals. I had been an actress in a feature film. haha. Now what?
The goal is to be a good actress, a great actress, a wonderful actress. After learning what it was like to work with successful actors I had realize that most of their experience had came from theater, and that they did work with coaches or directors who helped them and teach them things that you can’t always learn from experience. Or things that are good to know before big opportunities, like what to expect or how to act. ;)
I am now taking my first theater class at the number one City College in the Nation! And am experiencing for the first time what it is like to act on a stage, to study a play, to project to and connect with an audience. I’m not just auditioning, I’m not just responding or acting in front of a camera. I AM performing.
I am connecting, I am entertaining.
It is the passion, I’ve been craving! It is performing and I am in LOVE!
So something I haven’t recently been blogging about is my new start and life in Carpentaria California.
I moved here two weeks ago and it is the most stunning place I have ever lived.
For those of you who don’t know, I started in Kaysville Utah. Moved to Mission Valley, San Diego, to Lincon Heights, Los Angeles and I am now dwelling in the OurZena Rincon Hill house. And working on two organic farms. A beautiful 5 Bedroom house surrounded by the ocean and over looking one of the best surf spot in the world.
I live with 7 + more people… I say plus because we have been having a lot of people stay with us. And it is beautiful. I have already learned so much.
And I am so grateful.
I live with two young girls in the small house, a beautiful Dreamer Tessa Fe, who is an artist and dedicates her time working as a supervisor and at a children’s afterschool program. Leading groups of teenagers on adventures and overlooking the toddler program and helping over 100 young students.
Catherine Clark, my other roommate is one of the most amazing people I have ever met and I haven’t even really gotten to know her. Cat took me surfing for my first time last week, Cat is a world champion in women’s surfing and has the opportunity to go PRO!! She is also one of the sincerest and most honest people I know, at 20 years old she is full of wisdom and experience. She plans to hold Dream Circles at the top of Rincon Mt. all during the next year. Which I will be attending. :)
There is also the big house just across our outdoor hallway, where four other artist and surfers live. Maddie From England & her lovely Patagonia Surfer Boy Trevor Gordon. The cutest organic couple that actually raises their own chickens and supplies chickens for the whole house. Another couple Caitlin & Johnny the motherly and earthy examples in the house, Johnny writes and records a lot of music and Caitlin is a Librarian and psychologist. Our beautiful space has hardwood floors in the living room and blue countertops in the kitchen with tall windows to shine in the light and give us our ocean view. I can feel the breeze and I am surrounded by life.
I am so grateful to be in a beautiful place surrounded by beautiful people. I am stoked! I am so stoked to keep learning more and more about them, and as I do I wish to share because I can already tell that these people are BEAUTIFUL.
Keep Dreaming. Keep Believing.
Everything always works out and you are exactly where you are supposed to be.
Tonight again, I learned about many things that cause and cure cancer.
I think that cancer can be one of the scariest words in any human dictonary…It can be the unknown. But where does it come from? Where is it going and why is it killing so many people?
Well, I can tell you one thing… I DON’T BELIEVE IN CANCER!!!!!!! I Think it is one of the most Fu(ked Up things on this earth…(sorry I should of warned you about the Fu(ks $#!+$ and Pisses in this post.)
I have been taught and I have been told. That Cancer is a mutation of our cells and of our DNA. The SOLE Paritcles that make up our being. Our natural, perfect, beautiful bodies that are born as clean as the people who made us.
Being so young I often ponder what things from now will come around and help me later, or if that sometimes things are simply meant to be forgotten.
5 years ago, I packed up and moved to California. At the young age of 19 I didn’t really know what I was doing. I just knew I needed to be there! My entire life I knew I would be in California one day. And the biggest thing that drew me there was the undeniable feeling that I was supposed to be an actress.
I lived in LA for 3 years.
It is a beautiful, beautiful place.
Full of diversity and opportunity, people flock from all over the world to be a part of this creative metropolitan. Some people flourish, and people fall. Some people come and some people go.
They say the only way to succeed in LA is to NEVER GIVE UP.
I’m not going to lie. I am pretty Jaded from LA Like I said it has been the best and the worst 3 years of my life. I have seen some shit… (to put it light terms) Drug Deals, Shootings, Gang Fights, Car Accidents, Heart Break, Betrayal.
But I have also had some great experiences like Filming in my first film, working at a studio, touring with bands, falling in love, meeting so many people and making some really good friends.
I haven’t announced to everyone, but I have packed up and I am moving away from Los Angeles…. Not too far… an hour North to a beautiful place called Carpinteria.
I am not giving up on any of my dreams, I am simply taking myself to a place I can continue to explore the soul purpose of my existence on earth as human.
I feel it can be very easy to loose yourself in such a superficial world such as LA LA LAND. I have so many dreams why would I miss out on any of them…?
I am a Utah girl at heart, and although I want to live the glamorous life that is possible with LA. Sometimes I remember that I want to marry a cowboy and want to live on a farm. :D
So with change in the wind, for the next year I will be volunteering on a organic farm. I will also be playing Lacrosse for SBCC and studying FILM, ACTING AND taking other medical courses. I am hoping to work as a ranch hand on a goat farm but the possibilities are endless…
I am so grateful to have to opportunity to be able to get away from LA continue doing the things that I have always wanted and explore. Not only will I grow but I will learn skills that will help me throughout my entire life as a mother, neighbor and human being. That is something to be excited about.
Wish Me Luck and Let The Good Times Fly.
July 11, 2013
This morning I woke to a notification that the first film I worked in as a speaking actress released its first preview.
When I first audition for this role… I was scared… not because of my nerves or confidence. But because it is a PARANORMAL movie.
This Feature Film is about a small school in Bakersfield CA. The school has rumors of being haunted, but when two people go missing and strange things start happening at the school again… Its time to investigate the situation.
I auditioned for this film early of 2013. Excited to be apart of it, I have always felt an inner side that relates to the Paranormal aspects of this life and universe.
I auditioned for the lead role of AMANDA.
From the moment I read the breakdown, I knew this role was mine. I studied my lines, played with my ouija board, I mean I did my homework.
My first Audition went great, I even got to watch the tapping of it.
"What is going on?! Who is doing this?"
"I donno but they want you Amanda."
"ME? Why me? I don’t even believe in this stuff"
"Maybe that’s Why!! Maybe they are trying to make you believe"
"Come on guys, Stop it!…. Seriously Stop!..(loud noise) If this is a joke just stop it. Okay guys?”
Applause…. “Can you do it again?” Asked the director. :)
And a few days later I GOT MY FIRST CALL BACK!!!
I was so excited. I’ve always dreamed of this!!! But now I was nervous… I was asked to come back and audition with all the other actors… SCARY!! I’ve had never done that before.
After seeing several girls go in before me, it came down to the last two. Me and another girl, She auditioned..Then I auditions…Then She, The I. Finally they said I could go home for the day…
I knew I didn’t get it.. but I was relieved because I had never been so scared in my life. Haha, Even during a part of my audition where I was supposed to cry I started to hyperventilate. I was just being myself. hahaha!
Anyway, the director wrote me the next day.
Thank you so much for auditioning for the role of Amanda. But we have decided to go with Jessica.
However, my producers really liked you and we think you have A LOT of potential as an actress. We would like to offer you another part.
What?!?! I was so excited!
Weeks later, we met on set at midnight to shoot in a haunted school in Southern California. I was scared, and almost late. It was on a huge campus and everything was dark. But I made it on time and was once again handed a script.
and you will have to watch to see my small role in something so beautiful. A FREAKIN SCARY MOVIE
So I have this giant lump in my throat… literally.
They say its just a lump, and its not cancerous. I hope the doctors are right. But right now it is big enough where I can feel it in my throat and it hurts to speak up or sing.
I am now just learning, that I, I have a hard time with communication. Its a funny thing right? I seriously have a lump in my throat…. I can’t get anything out!
It is hard for me to talk to people. Not professionally in any sense, because I know that I can blow the socks off of anyone when I am prepared. But the problem is with the people I love and care about…
When I was growing up I never talked to my mom, or anyone about life or my feelings.
I can’t communicate with the person I live with when we are having a problem OR tell them to clean up after themself .
I have a hard time talking with the boy I like, even though it wouldn’t be hard and if I could just speak we would probably be best friends and he would like me. ha ha.
I have a hard time with communication.
When I go to sing with other people… nothing comes out.
I need to shout it out.
I need to break through this hard built up tissue or negative growth inside my neck and break free of its limitations. I want to be happy, healthy , free and live forever.
I am a dreamer.
On a side note, Wednesday will be a big day meeting with my second large Agencies. Wish me luck.
I can’t wait to shout it out.
Dreamer turned 1 today!
Can’t believe I started blogging one year ago. It is hard to emagion that was a time I was lost and heart broken. My world had just been turn upside down and it made me have to re analyse my goals and my DREAMS.
One year later,
After deciding to stay in LA and continue pursuing my career in the entertainment industry. I am not yet a movie star but I am exactly where I want to be. In the last year I have…
Had my first speaking role in a feature film.
Worked as a Stand in for The Lead Actress Amy Smart in a John Heder Film.
Got a job working in a Studio for Film and Photography.
Been in several music videos including my first hot on camera make out with actor and model Reeve Carney in a Popular Taylor Swift video.
Worked on several productions and gained a lot of new knowledge and experience.
Met great new people in the industry.
Explored California. :) Learned to Laugh and Love! Check out my very first blog post and see how far you have come since we got started.