Dreamer

Very exciting.

I am moving. To a beautiful place.

More to come after I lock down my special job and place to live.

I hope all goes well. Store some stuff, travel, swimm, love, grow, be. 

Jump, hop, skip, climb, reach.

Breath. 

:)

Sitting here in a beautiful cafe called Crush Cakes in Carpinteria. I surprised my good friend and Vegan Baker Mary Gonzalas at her work yesterday. Mary and I met when I was working at a Vegan Bakery called BabyCakesNYC in Downtown Los Angeles.  It was probably the roughest spot for two young girls to be working. Located right on 6th Street and Los Angeles… For those who know LA.. Know what I am talking about..

For those who don’t….

6th and Los Angeles was  the last block with real businesses, and right across the street is where the SKID ROW ordinance starts. Every morning on our way to work, we would walk right through Skid row, Just about 6 am hundreds of homeless men and women would be taking down there tents rolling up there blankets and preparing to disappear for the day. Mary and I both saw a lot of scary things… Fights, drug deals, possible dead people and even one day right outside of our bakery there was a shooting. A homeless guy pulled a knife on a police man and he was shot and killed.  Besides the intense stories, some of the homeless were very nice… but indeed. Most of them were crazy….

So Needless to say… Living and Working downtown Mary and I saw a lot. Best and worst three years of my life for sure. And same for here. But when Is too much? After Mary had exhaustion from her adventures in LA and after going through a rough break up she decided to move back to her small and beautiful home town of CARPINTERIA.  I am so happy for her, I see her right now Decorating cupcakes surrounded by beautiful people and I can smell and hear the ocean right out the door. It is a beautiful thing. Congratulations Mary! I love you and Good LUCK!

Buffalos tooth.

A friend from Montana once gave me a birthday gift, on the full moon of my 24th birthday. 

It was really hard to get on that plane… Leave my home town. The beautiful mountains, the fresh air, my niece, my family. My friends from LIFE, simple Ideas and a very, very, small town. 

My mother cried when she dropped me off at the airport. I dont know exactally why, but I know she loves me. And I know I miss being around her.

When my small plane flew into Burbank California. My mouth dropped. I had just been complaining how crazy and how busy my hometown of Kaysville was getting. But when I pulled in, I had honestly forgotten how big Los Angeles is. And I also forgot how beautiful it is. All my Dreams are HERE!

ALL MY DREAMS ARE HERE!!!

ALL MY DREAMS ARE HERE!!!

As much harder as it feels sometimes to work so hard just to be somewhere with oportunity. As tired as I get from trying to live a life and reach my goals, As many people put me down or how many wrong turns I take. I know that I can do it. I can do anything. I am young and I am strong and for my 24th year with my gifted tooth, I will have endurance. I will ride this long hard road, make it through, never give up and see where it takes me. 

Because if you don’t know where you are going, Any road will take you there. Hold tight, Keep believing and never stop dreaming!!

Recently I have been going through something kind of scary. This is the first time I will really be talking about it. 

With in the past two years, my mother and oldest sister have been diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer. Thyroid cancer can be pretty serious and there are different types. Luckily both were diagnosed with a very common kind of cancer called papillary. And it can be maintained pretty easily. Doesn’t take away the seriousness of the cancer though, both my Mom and Sister had to have their entire Thyroids removed leaving their bodies in shock and having to take medicine for the rest of their lives. 

Earlier this year I went into the doctor to have my thyroid checked after I had felt a lump in my throat for months!! My parents insisted I fly from LA to Utah to get an exam. The first doctor I saw LAUGHED at me!! Said there was NO REASON to check my thyroid, that I was too young to be worried about it. Even after I told him about my families history he still only did minimal testing.  This doctor was arrogant and I had to ask him several times if he was busy or had somewhere to go, he was hardly paying attention to me and half of my appointment he had his foot out the door waiting to go. 

He only performed one Thyroid test. Came back normal. 

My mom and sisters test came back normal 3 times before the biopsy showed cancer.

Several months later, which was April of this year… I went back and to A DIFFERENT Doctor.  Before telling the doctor anything about my issues or symptoms, he gave me a careful, thorough exam. When he was feeling my glands on both sides of my throat as they do in  exams he goes…” Op, you do have a lump on your thyroid, but we wont worry about that right now. Let me finish the exam” 

I was so relieved. I knew I had a lump in my neck I had been feeling it for months. To know that I was neglected the first time I was concerned, really upsets me. This is my health! MY BODY! MY LIFE!!! I even asked the first doctor to feel my throat and he insisted he didn’t need to and I had no reason to be checked. 

When I told the 2nd doctor about my family history, he instantly ran a large series of blood work and ordered a Biopsy for the next day. 

I was relieved, I was thankful. I cried to the doctor simply before he left the room and said. “Thanks for checking” What I wanted to say was “Thanks for caring” 

Sure enough I had an ultra sound and biopsy of my neck. I have two Large Nodules on each side of my thyroid. One that can be felt from the outside of my neck. 

I am concerned now that I have to go back for more testing that the four month period in time could have effected the size of the nodules. Or even the growth of cancer. 

When I first heard all this news I was terrified. I didn’t want to have my thyroid removed or to live with a scar on my neck. I didn’t want to have one of the different types of thyroid cancer.  I had a lot of fear I wondered if I brought it on myself from just having that it was an option in my mind. That is was a possibility because of my family history.

But here is wear I am sitting…

Two weeks ago, I got a call from the doctor. The news was INCONCLUSIVEbut they biopsy samples of my nodules came back NEGATIVE FOR CANCER!!! Woooo! But Where were all my symptoms coming from? News from my blood work show something else. It showed that two types of cells are not working in my body. One being the Anti Nuclear Antibody and the other one being similar meaning that they both have something to do with relating to Auto Immune diseases. 

I am not gonna say that I am in a better place, but over cancer I think it might be.  And to be honest I havn’t looked up the cells in my body that are not working nor do I know much about auto immune diseases. I just know that whatever happens I will be okay.

Just have to take it one day at a time for a min…

There is more to the matter… Like why me my mom and my sister have all been diagnosed so close together. Were we exposed to something? Was it environmental to where we live? Have other people been effected by this horrifying situation?

I’d really like to take the time to dig into it. To help protect my family, my friends get to the bottom of what has made me sick. If this happened because of someone elses mistake or choices. I will not let this happen to my niece Josie, or my cousin Mckenna or my best friend Alex or anyone else in my family. It is not okay!!!

I am healthy, strong and happy!

 I will be back in Utah for a few more test to check my entire body for cancer. I’m scared. :/ As much as I would like to be positive. It can be a little scary. Everything will be okay.

So a lot has changed in my story. Had a short period of what felt like a loss of control. Even a few harsh winds have blown me off my designated path. The one I have made for myself. The one that makes me happy and give me the true feeling a fullfilment. 

Why has this changed? Why did I give the power of my path to someone else?

These are questions I must ask myself and I am sure many kids my age go through the same things deciding what they really want in life. Because things do change and we all “grow up.”

So recently I have had some really great opportunities and have met a lot of aspiring artist in LA who I want to be a part of. One being a studio I have been working with in DTLA. This studio has opened a lot of doors for me. And has introduced me to a lot of people… but NOT as an Actress but as a Producer.

At the time I met these individuals I was going through a change in my perspectives on life. Going through a hard time with an awkward living situation I had let it drag me into a slump that has indeed ENDED TODAY. I put myself in a insacure persons mind. I wasn’t the great actor I know myself to be and that is what they saw.  I want to slap myself and say “What were you thinking?!”

 I have had so many moments and great experiences in LA as an actress it is hard for me to deny it was what I am here for. Nothing makes me feel better than the way acting does when I am on set. I know that now for me more than ever.

I carry a quiet shame for breaking down and “giving up” for this short moment in time. But I am not upset, I understand that if it weren’t for moments and times like these I wouldn’t truly be reminded of my power and my will to succeed in what I came here to do.

Currently I am working as a line producer for an upcoming Festival in SLC. I agreed to help because it is put on and hosted by a clean energy company that I believe in.  It excites me to be a part of things that can help change the world, improve it and make it better. This is not a paid job, but indeed it has giving me a lot of experience in human relations and producing. Which I am positive I will use later in life.

I am also going to be working with a Director Andrew J. Smith helping cordanate events and premieres for his upcoming film in the LA Film Festival. Which I am excited for… It is not a paid job but I will have full access to LA Film Festival including VIP passes to events and premires. My question is, will this help me make connections that will help lead me  in the right direction as an actress or will I be putting myself out there as a coordanator. I would love to believe that it will open many doors and opportunities for even both.

Why not have it all?

I work hard, I believe in myself and I will never give up.

The interesting thing for me right now is where my passion is coming from.

I want to be apart of films and projects that influence the world in a positive way. Telling and showing ideals that will show the world beautiful opportinties for change and improvment. So I find this a blessing. That maybe one day I will have to opporunity to pull stories together and tell the truth. Work with great teams and create beautiful things.  

Producing may hurt. But I know I am not done as an actress. I am going to learn so much so that when I have the opportunities. I will have the skill and experience to work hard and be apart of all the beautiful things I have always wanted to be apart of. Telling the stories that show the truth and change the world.

Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop. Even when times get tough.

“sometimes in life you have to take a step back before you leap forward.”

And today Is a new day, I will not stand to lose my focus.

Well, Here I am sitting at the Phenix airport.  I’ve been dreaming all day long. I am happy and I am sad. There is a lot to say. I finally got a laptop. Can’t wait to start sharing again with you. I love you all. Wish me luck. On this plane, in this life. I will not stop until I fly.

I have figured it out.

At least I have started to digest it. “It” meaning the things I am about to face. Nothing Bad, Simply Great. An Unexpected Journey.

Recently with new awareness I have been offered several amazing opportunities. 

The most recent and amazing being an opportunity to work with a new establishing collective in Down Town Los Angeles. The collective is for Film and Photography. There are several Co-owners who also run the Productions that are mostly shot out of their studio. 

I was referred to work with these guys as a production assistant for a Hersey’s Chocolate Commercial. I liked they way they worked, they liked me and invited me back to work as Production Manager on a Short Sizzle Reel for SCI FI.

Amazing 3 day shoot in the desert. Lots of good work and great people.

Today, I went to “The Office” to help record a audition tapping for a friend of the studios. I was kind of unclear of my exact position in helping but was excited to help and willing to do anything. 

Shortly after I arrived, one of the young directors ask me… 

“Amanda, can you just wear a name tag when you come over here. So I know what your doing…. PA? Acting, Directing what?”

And at the moment,  I was confused!!

What was I doing?

Why was I so grateful and willing to do anything?

Why did I want to do it all?

Why was it so hard to choose when my whole life I have always wanted to be an actor and it is what I have wanted the most.

This I ponder…

And I think I know. 

On a side note.

Ton of Bricks shot my commercial headshots this week and I will be sharing them shortly. 

I miss my niece Josie and I love my family and friends.

Amen. 

;)

life is every bit a gift as the sun that rises everyday.

Good morning!

How will you decide to spend your day. Will you sleep in bed and dream of the tomorrow that will never come. Or do you rise and awake to find the treasures you seek of excitement and adventure?

Do you still want what you want what you wanted yesterday.

What has changed?

What is this day.

When is this tomorrow. 

So my Tumblr… It has been a while. To be honest I don’t feel like I have been as creative as I am since I’ve lived in the “distractions” of North Hollywood. 

I mean the list goes on.

But the great news is, that I have met a lot of new people and made a few new friends. Good, Honest friends. But not like the ones from home of course. No body will ever understand you like they do.

On a new topic, here is a sweet update.

Had a Birthday - Friend documented ritual under full moon. Footage looks AMAZING! I…feel great!

Got referred to work with a artist collective downtown that I think has a lot of potential and even makes me a little nervous. 

Will be in the desert over St. Patrick’s day for a film shoot. 

Still have a wonderful job and a beautiful cat.

Goodnight.

And remember,

Where ever you are, be there completely. 

Another Day, Another Tomorrow. Thank you Jesus for all your many blessings! Thank you life for all your wonderful gifts. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!